Just Beautiful (Overstatement)

Fuck you, MSN. I was just trying to read something about the new movies that are out.

Not relationships.

Not wedding plans.

Not recipes.

Not Dear motherfucking Prudie.

I therefore DID NOT NEED TO SEE your fucking makeup banner ad.

I did, however, enjoy dissecting it.

( Behold. )

I don't have a bigger 'cap; the ad is full-size.

Just once, I'd like to see an unretouched picture of an actual human adult woman, who is between the ages of 21 and 30, not 14-16 as most skin care models are, using some makeup.

If they'd do that, I'd buy some, just out of respect for their ballsy courage of ballsiness.

I'm just saying.

Medalon (Deconstruction)

nyohah executes far better summaries, mostly of Star Wars tie-in novels. They are hilarious and thorough, and deserve to be more widely read. You can browse them from here.

(In apology and by way of excuse, I started reading "Medalon" last October, and it was always my intention to do this. This is probably a one-off. I certainly won't be reading anything else by Jennifer Fallon.)

WARNING for intense capitalization abuse, crude humor, crude language, sadistic wallowing, and horrendous verbatim excerpts.

I wanted to like this book. The cover is nice. The jacket copy is industry standard, and hey, Piers Anthony seemed intrigued. Perhaps this book, this "Medalon", would be worth reading.

From the opening clause, I knew it was not to be.

( Observe: the long, ranterous portion of my dissection. )

And the heroic brother of R'shiel the special priestess who will etc. etc. and lead the pagans to triumph against the evil atheists?

His name is Tarja. So at least something in the book was funny. XD

My favorite peeve? This author is, like many authors today, a crusader of adverb hate.

There are thirty-two adverbs in the first chapter alone, often to describe the dialogue of the soldiers, and said adverbs are frequently aligned back to back.

Defining Quotes for the Chapter:

"Please, Lord Jenga. Bring Tarja home." - R'shiel the Special

"I don't think, Captain," Jenga told him stiffly. "And neither should you." - Lord Defender (General?) Jenga of the Defenders.

BWAHAHAHA he just summed up the entire book. Meta-wank ftw. Was this lady even conscious while she typed this fucking story?

( Ah, but the pain does not stop there. )

At least if it were fanfic, Baraka and Mileena would've had sex by now. (Raiden and Mary Sue would, of course, be expecting their second set of superpowered brother-'n'-sister twins.)

( Then a minor miracle occurs. )

That's just the first two chapters. This is a sixty-three chapter book, and book one of a trilogy. Do not give this book to suicidal relatives, as they will more than likely leap off a bridge upon finishing it.

( I promise, we're almost to the best part of my summary. More ranterous thorough stuff. )

OKAY GUYZ HERE IS THE BEST PART KTHX.

I dog-eared the following pages. The phrasings, oh god, the phrasings! In some cases, I giggled aloud. For IRL srys.

Page 126 (opening page of Chapter 13): "By the Founder's!" Kilene suddenly exclaimed dramatically. "It's him!"

Page 134 (describing an Evil Monotheist's Staff of Power): "It threw back the torchlight into the faces of the gathered women like chips of colored light."

Page 189 (Rebel Strategy With Our Friend Tarja Tenragan): "You know this is a trap, don't you?" /"I'm almost certain of it." [Tarja replied replyingly.]/"Then why are you going?" Brak asked./"Because there is a remote chance that it's not," he said.

WOW, the Rebels are going to win for sure! With devastating tactical prowess like that, how could they possibly lose?

Page 195 (Tarja mangles his idioms): "Just back me up if I need it. If worst comes to worst, just get clear and warn the others."

I have always heard this as "Worse comes to worse", or "From bad to worse". How can the worst of something become MORE 'worst'? Dear god.

This whole page is deeply stupid. OF COURSE IT'S A TRAP, FALL FOR IT ALREADY.

Page 197: as they are blithely walking into THE TRAP, Brak the Special Pagan Mercenary actually pauses to think the following: "Brak watched him, as Tarja stepped toward [Henchman] Draco and the captain, seeing immediately what had bothered him about Draco earlier. The resemblance between the two men was unmistakeable, and it concerned him that Tarja had made no mention of it. Was Draco an uncle perhaps? Or a cousin?"

Yes, folks, they're about to be captured and hanged, and all Brak the Special Mercenary cares about is who fucked whom way back in Tarja's family tree.

Mere words cannot convey the immensity of my bogglement. Bogglitude. Astonishment. As you like it.

Page 207: "He had betrayed nobody, said nothing." <-- Is not valid English. Not even with a comma. I know because of my learnings.

Page 213: "R'shiel, if word got back Lord Jenga that I'd helped Tarja escape, I'd be in the cell he vacated before morning." -- Random Helpful Extra, Whose Name is Davvyd; I Am Not Making That Up.

I loved this sentence, because everyone in the book talks like that ALL. THE. TIME. It's a wonderful and compact illustrative case.

Page 366: "[The Rebel Extras] spent the remainder of the night at their grizzly task, gathering the bodies from the water's edge and throwing them on the impromptu funeral pyre."

Here, we can see that even the copy-editors gave up. There's just no stopping the onslaught of hideous, vapid stupidity.

Also! The author mentioned in the second chapter that the pagans consider cremation barbaric and would Never Do Such a Thing. Well, they're doing it now. She can't even keep her own bullshit straight. *Headache.*

Page 414: "Taking her hand they walked forward together to confront the First Sister [Their Evil, Evil Mommy the Bitch]."

It speaks for myself; the bulk of my case thus rests.

Note: Tarja's full name is "Tarjanian", the same way Brak's full name is "Brakandaran". The god of theives' name is "Dace", short for "Dacendaran". This naming convention appears to be male-only. The female characters are saddled with the full tangle of syllables from the word go, such as Evil Atheist Queen "Joyhiniya" or whatever, and Valiant Pagan Goddesses like "Kalianah".

This nomenclature quirk is never explained. It should be and could be but is not. I rather think the writer herself is unaware of it.

Then there's a conclusion in which Joyhihnina-whatever is inexplicably NOT KILLED, or even punished much at all, and she was the central villain, for fuck's sake. It's such a total non-ending that I can't even write it down for you; it wouldn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me, and I read the entire book without skimming; it just kind of stops in midsentence.

Then there is an Epilogue. The god of thieves makes a clunky, stupid joke that makes those "group laughter" scenes from Saturday morning cartoons look like the zenith of all cleverness by comparison. On which note, the book ends.

Then there's a Glossary, which I didn't read.

There were rape and sadism in this book, omg content warnings. Frankly, I thought the book was painful enough without them.

Tarja gets whipped, and it's the best part of the whole book. *Leer.*

Oh. R'shiel Special has a massive gushing period (as in, girly blood poureth forth from her female parts) sometime in the book, too.

How was this nominated for the Aurealis Awards in Australia? How was it even published?

My soul just died a little on the inside.