Vulgarity (On Dirty Books)

[jheti]

Okay, first, and maybe again, I was gonna whine about mainstream published smutty books.

But! This needs attention. I can't presently quantify the tone of this post in title form, so I nudged my boyfriend with a vaguely clinical word for women's bits (and I was right; the root means "shame"), and got some pretty choice "Related Ads".

My favorites included "Pictures of Dinosaurs" and "Diagram the Pancreas".

(Anyway, I thought it was funny. XD)

Seriously, there's ohnoes nasty words back here, don't click or don't complain, or both.



I don't even remember what the title of this little omnibus was, just that it's by your standard IT'S ROMANCE, BITCHES (but we can include dirty words! Because that's hot!) sort of imprint.

They were not stories. I was gaspingly, seeing-spots angry by line three on page two.

They're...please tell me they're written by men, though I know they're not. I've never, I've read a not-small amount of trash over, oh, let's chop it up cute and say fifteen years because I can't add, and most of it was about, involved, or revolved around, sexytiem.

And I've never seen anything so degrading. (I've seen plenty that made me laugh, or simply made me nauseous--RAW EGGS ARE NOT ANAL LUBE--but this takes the fuckin' cake.)

They were--they might have been mannequins, except they blushed a lot and trembled with feminine desire because "he had nice eyes". The story went kinda like this.

Woe is me my last boyfriend was abusive. Hey, that random dude has nice eyes; let's fuck! Oh yeah. That's awesome. Wait, one night stand? WOE I AM ASHAMED. Wait, here's The Protagonist, and he says things like, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard I'll split you in half!" Oh god, yes yes yes, I love the mental image of being hacked up by Plus Twelve Sword of Peen, that's so fucking hot, it's almost as hot as "cleave unto her and be one flesh", FUCK YES, and we'll randomly bounce the word "clit" around because hey, men are smart now, they've finally figured out it exists, and apparently it's a magic button that turns women into sex slaves.

This was the part that made me want to call "Guy!" because a)initials only, b)woman's description is consistently unflattering except for her "great breasts"--in women's novels, the women are always, always, always described mainly by their flawless beauty and exotic eye color. That's exactly where Mary Sues get it from. Anyway, c) the woman is only having a good time when the hero talks about his peen, d) oh, look, monogamy, and e) so, then, he, uhh, "sucked her clit"? Yeah, 'cause chicks love that, right?

Dude! In romance stories, the wedding/bonding/you can touch, you can play, if you'll say I'm always yours, I'm a Barbie girl number TAKES PLACE AT THE END, not before they have sex.

Oh, Lord Hugepeen, wait, don't, let's get married first! Or I'll drink your cum blood first, whichever, depends on whether or not the story's by Anne Rice.

Also, I don't care what they're doing or how big he is. The word "cervix" is not sexy. Really. You could've just poured ice-water in my lap. Would've accomplished the same result.

And "jackhammer" is not a verb. Honest. I promise.

Okay, I'm done.

No, wait, I'm not.

The whole idea of the imprint meaning to reflect a woman's special sekrit cave bothers me. "I can read anything I want to, because I'm liberated! As long as I do it in dark, dank isolation in a barren wilderness where no one can see."

Uh-huh. Okay. Now it's over.

Comments

[evangeline21.livejournal.com]

I've tried reading 'romance' novels...honestly, I think you just have to take them with the entire salt shaker if you wanna continue reading.

Egg whites..admit it, that'd be a funny thing to imagine-right as they get into the 'heat' of it only to realize they're stuck because the whites have dried and become sticky

or even better, if the egg whites suddenly cooked because of the heat.

[jheti.livejournal.com]

George/Bob x experiment = Bob farts scrambled eggs for a week? XD

The things people will do in professionally-published land to avoid the word "lube" are absolutely mind-boggling. This is OMG PUBLISHED. That's supposed to make it magically better than everything else, not worse.

Nora Roberts isn't half bad. Compared to the others--the girls at least pretend to Do Important Stuff before becoming idiots.

What I can't understand is why women are supposed to want to read this stuff, like it's the height of the appropriate, desirable expression of feminine yearnings, or some equally stupid phrase that means "get off to, only nicer, because women are nice".

This is why I switched to the Internet. All sex, all the time, without all the relentlessly stupid shit in the way. So it's just really weird for me to come back to it a decade later, and not only have there been no advancements, there's this creepy undercurrent of "punish the chick, because that's hot" that crept in some time while I was away. Seriously, just bring back the fainting fits instead, at least those were funny.

Jane Goodheart: Oh, ROMEO! *Faints dead away.*
Romeo Hugepeen: Awesome! *Cuts her shirt to pieces.* Stand back and give her some air, folks. *Grope grope grope.*

Hilarity. ^_^

The giggle-inducing "warm lengths of throbbing adjective" have been replaced with "jackhammered her so hard she bled to death", and it's just not an improvement.

Thank god there's the Internet. Internet: where all the crazy is out in the open, and thus easier to avoid. *Cuddles Internet.*

[foxbaby.livejournal.com]

D: raw eggs?

EGGS?

WHAT

[jheti.livejournal.com]

My hand to god, it's true. There's a story in one of the "Year's Best Erotica" collections here in the US involving raw eggs as lubricant substitute.

I don't remember which year; I sort of mentally blocked it.

It is one of the only things I have ever read that physically made me retch.